Adulting is the worst. 

The more you "look" and "act" like an adult, the more your soul dies. At least, mine does. I'm pretty sure everyone else is dying too. They just don't want to "give off that image" bc that means, they are adulting wrong. Stupid appearances. Also, stupid human pride.

I received a pretty awesome photo editing job. However, the schedule is stifling and the commute is infuriating. How do so many people do this? People do not need as much as their eyes make them believe they need. 

The goal for my life is to obtain a stable career that allows me to speak to humans minimally, utilize my creativity, promote learning, and allow for an abundance of travel. I do not need a nice car. I do not need 100 pairs of shoes nor purses. I do not need to prove how hip I am with my social media career. I am sick of everyone in the city acting like they are so god damn cool. They're all clones. 

 I have everything I need. Except for the mountians. Except for the ocean. Nature is missing from my heart and we are trying to do everything in our power to move closer to it.

Goals for the rest of 2016:

1. Keep cool. Keep calm. If I become angry, express my anger in a positive fashion.

2. Eliminate "not" and "negatives" from my vocabulary. The mind only registers positives. 

3. Socialize more. See the beauty in everyone. 

4. Eat healthy. Be physical. 

"Edgewood Welcomes You"

I'm laying in my bed in my new apartment downtown unable to wash the dishes or finish building the punching bag because our AC is on the fritz and it's just too damn hot to do anything besides lay next to these 2 fans. Run on sentence ftw.

It's a cute little 2 bedroom. Our neighbors are nice and our landlord isn't a slumlord. So those are pluses! We are without some essential pieces of furniture but we're making due. I already quit a terrible job. I did it in a childish way but I couldn't stand one more day there. Serving has taken its toll on me. I dislike how much it makes me hate people. I usually see the good in everyone. Except when I'm their server. Then I see why there should be a hell and everyone should be in it. It's not good for me. It's not good for them.

I need to find another route to make money. Quick. Get the negativity from that job out of me. Quick. Find a way to buy a couch. Quick.

Things have been great over all. We've been fortunate. Just trying our best to better ourselves as best we can with out resources.

Our next goal? Get internet. Mostly for me. I need to get my Adobe certification so that I can start learning graphic design. :) Then, save enough to finish the last year of school.

Goals man. I've got 'em. It's taking FOREVER though. I don't want to tell all of my goals though. I heard the more you vocalize it, the less likely it is from happening. That's the power of others thoughts. Well, better try and muster up some energy and put away the laundry. Ewgh it's too hot.

Saturns Return

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-kaiser/saturn-returns_b_4275974.html

Saturn hit me hard. Now on to better and brighter things.

On a brighter note, things went well today.

Free lunch w the folks. And the okay from the grandma. Looks like I'm Ohio bound.

A much needed make up with C. Who is getting married to the other C on May 22!

A lucky find of free boxes! Thank you Petsmart recycling bin.

Sweet day w Leia.

To cap the night off, some quality tea/doughnut/free coffee and chocolate chip time with the Bailey/Ortega fam. Lovely little show put on by R.

Happy 30th Birthday green eyes. Hope your day tomorrow will be as good as mine was today.

Leaving 760

Things have been...hectic. I've been trying my hardest to stay positive. 

It has been like this for quite some time. Every aspect of my life has been in decline. Friends, Romance, College, Finances... all at an all time low. I am very tired of people telling me what I am. I'm done listening.

I am currently getting over a serious cold. Once the morning light hits, I am collecting boxes to pack my belongings. I'm posting the things I don't quite need. Starting a new. I do feel better when I have less. I love my belongings too much. They do not bring me happiness. A lesson I forget. 

I am leaving this treacherous house and it's bad memories. Leaving this city and it's false hope. I'm packing a bag and going north. I won't be too happy with the cold but I'm headed to Columbus to stay with my grandmother. Take care of her for a while. Spend time with her before she passes in a few years. Hang out with my brother and get to know my sister-in-law for the first time. Or, at least, I hope to get to see them. I've been told they are a bit socially isolated. After a month or two of that, off to Texas! I'll work in my sister's new Vietnamese restaurant. Hopefully, I'll be a good help rather than a nuisance. I know she'll work me to the bone, but maybe I won't mind if I'm supplied with a 24 hour Vietnamese diet. Oh, yeeeaahhh. Next? I want to save up enough to visit the rest of my relatives in Colombia. That will be my absolute favorite. Beautiful places and missed faces. Hopefully, Imalla will still be there. She's my favorite. It will be wonderful to see them all. 

I love A with all my heart, but at times, there's a sliver of ice and my actions reflect on that. It isn't me. I haven't been me in a long while. I need to find that happy girl again. The strong one. The one that doesn't get jealous. The one that doesn't assume the worse. The one that sees the good in people. 

Exercise will be the key. Wellbutrin and exercise.

The Water

All that I have is a river The river is always my home Lord, take me away For I just cannot stay Or I'll sink in my skin and my bones The water sustains me without even trying The water can't drown me, I'm done With my dying Please help me build a small boat One that'll ride on the flow Where the river runs deep And the larger fish creep I'm glad of what keeps me afloat The water sustains me without even trying The water can't drown me, I'm done With my dying Now deeper the water I sail And faster the current I'm in That each night brings the stars And the song in my heart Is a tune for the journeyman's tale The water sustains me without even trying The water can't drown me, I'm done With my dying Now the land that I knew is a dream And the line on the distance grows faint So wide is my river The horizon a sliver The artist has run out of paint Where the blue of the sea meets the sky And the big yellow sun leads me home I'm everywhere now The way is a vow To the wind of each breath by and by The water sustains me without even trying The water can't drown me, I'm done With my dying

By Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4QQ7HYYdWw

Dual Spires

I love Psych. I love Twin Peaks. So when I re-watched Psych's Dual Spires, a tribute episode that was chock full of easter eggs, I appreciated it for everything that it was. The writer's did a fantastic job. I've re-watched it over and over and over again.

So I wanted to write down the amount of meta-references Dual Spires held. Turns out that someone beat me to the punch (of course).

http://welcometotwinpeaks.com/inspiration/psych-twin-peaks/

Love love love it.

Amenities

I have been looking to make life more pleasurable lately. I want pillows, pie, black coffee, furry rugs, doughnuts, saddle shoes, flowers, candles, make up brushes, a clean home, a smart mind, and a good heart. 

Pleasantly suprised this morning by NPR's special guest on Fill in the Blank (the live shows on the weekend), Paula Poundstone! I recently started watching Home Movies again and I recognized her voice immediately. Bonus, CATOL FUCKING BURNETT. That reminds me, I've got to research more of her stuff.

Maybe Natalie Portman was right. Oh, I hope she was right. He wants help and that's something I've never heard him say. Crossing my fingers.

On a worse note, I've thrown my college career down the shitter. Now it's time to glove up and clean the bowl as best as I can.

Q & A

Here's an old post I never published. I started this blog pretty recently, and yet my answers have changed since I answered these. Oh, number 8. and 16. Should I take them as a sign?

Ugh, I really should be studying.

-----------------------------------------------

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Probably, Tina Fey. No, Steve Martin. NO! Bill Murray. No, go back to Tina Fey.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Yes. So everyone can recognize my secret awesomeness. Perhaps, a writer of some kind? I'm purty turrible at that so I'll choose director. Yeah. Cool ass Director Stallard.

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
If it's for work, yes. I tend to get tongue tied easily. Chocolate = cholocate. Have a nice day turns into Have a dice nay. I'm verbally dyslexic.

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Wake up around 10am to a warm cup of English Breakfast tea with milk and sugar and toast with jam and butter. Fuck around on the internet for an hour. Go to the city market with the dogs for a delish dinner I am going to prepare for some close friends that evening. Shop for a new toy, be it make up, jewelry, vhs', or books. Then head home for a short but fulfilling evening with friends and head to bed watching MST3K. Throw in something unexpectedly good. I like good surprises.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
Sometime last week. I tend to dry heave now when I sing loud like I used to. Stupid nausea.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
I would choose body. I mean, I'll grow in wisdom but I'll have a bangin' body? Hell yeah. Plus, if I lose my mental state in my golden years, some dumb douche will always take care of me. Have you heard some of the things some dumb girls say? They won't know the difference between stupidity and dementia.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Probably, cancer. I do not take care of my body as well as I should.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
1) Same type of humor.
2) Having an open mind for things beyond the material items of this world.
3) We stay with the right person for life.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
I'm grateful I have always had food and shelter.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Probably, different parents. If I had to stick with the same ones, then, I wish they were more open emotionally and never let me watch t.v.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
Be able to control time. Like Piper in Charmed or Hiro in Heroes.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Everything. As much as possible.

14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
For fear of failing. For fear of being average. For fear of exposing my stupidity.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
I don't think I have one. Going back to school? Meh.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?
Honesty.

17. What is your most treasured memory?
I have a few. I remember my Dad telling me stories about my grandfather and the pancake tree. I remember my friends singing Blink 182 while I was trying to insert my first tampon. I remember the first time I fell in love.

18. What is your most terrible memory?
I have more than a few. Dad. RHS. Phillip. Chris. The first year I met Andrew (after that it's been good).

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Of course! I would dump all my responsibilities and travel! Fuck all this bullshit!

20. What does friendship mean to you?
It means being a good listener, never be jealous, give good advice for the best outcome for the person you love, be honest about thoughts and feelings, and be there for when they need you.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
The same as any other normal human person I think...

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
Intelligent. Independent. Handsome. Considerate. Hard working.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
I'm sure it was better than most but emotionally, they didn't communicate with me. They sheltered me. They didn't treat me like an individual. They treated me like a pet that needed to behave.

One Last Cigarette

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brenna-marie/2014/10/what-it-feels-like-to-break-up-with-someone-you-still-love/

This woman put it perfectly. I'm still very much afraid to take the step. I keep hoping there will be a change. An exception.

I keep hoping that he will realize he has a substance abuse problem and he will never stray from me again because his love for me over powers his want of alcohol. It doesn't seem to because this isn't a movie. He pushes and pushes and pushes.

Oh, I am terrible at keeping positive, aren't I? But I will continue to try. Yoda doesn't know everything.

Happiness Challenge

Day 1

1. Cynthia's parents bought me a beautiful box chock-full of moon cakes. I learned my favorite flovers are red bean and lotus. She, also, taught me the story behind moon cakes and why they are only available once a year (kind of like Girl Scout cookies).

2. I cleaned the entire kitchen. Even the laundry room! It's not sp bad cleaning if I have a tv in the room. Psych ftw!

3. Tried a new dish tonight from Andrew's work, Alpine Balery. A delicious dish that had small bite size bread thingies that reminded me of the cheesy bread that is so popular in Colombia. They were placed into a brisket stew like bowl.  A good dish to start off the autumn. Especially, on stormy days like today.

Andrew - You had symphonic farts last night.
Me - Blame your sister, she fed us tacos.

I drank milk an hour ago. He's in for another musical night.

I can't wait for the day I have a career like job. And money. Money would be nice. Hearing a friend say "I bought two feet of ribs" and "a crock pot isn't expensive, it's just $20" enraged me. Especially, coming from a "best" friend who knows my financial issues. Insensitivity is killing me lately. I'm not sensitive. You're just insensitive. I'm not cruel or unforgiving but I am no longer lowering my standards because other people don't meet them.

I know things could be better.

Chris

It's heartbreaking to see a random object through out your day that holds no significant value to me. Yet, it held a significant value to a dead loved one.

 I remember the above alarm clock with have the soldier yell until you hit snooze or woke up and turn it's annoying self off.  Came across a picture of it on the internet and it brought me back to 6 or 7 years ago when Meagan and Chris lived with her parents at the townhouse in Chattahoochee Landing. Chris worked in construction and would constantly be playing Resident Evil. He would always follow the official video game guide. He lent me Bully's. I still have it.  He loved cars, rap, country music, and fixing things. Chris made the WORST dad jokes. 'Deez nuts will forever remind me of him. Chris and I had almost nothing in common except loving Meag. 

I guess I should call her more often. She seems happy now though. :)

Lasers=Rick

Military Alarm = Chris

Let's hope my next post won't be about my dead uncle and friend. 

Laser Pointers

Laser pointers will forever remind me of Rick. He loved them. The more extravagant the better. He loved showing his collection off when people came to visit him. He was like a big kid showing off his toys.

Thanks for the Adventure

I'm having the hardest time trying to focus. Ever since I quit smoking my ADD has spiraled out of control.  Classes have started two weeks ago and I have not yet bought my books or read anything for class. I have to get myself together. Get more organized. Clean. Prioritize. Exercise. Say yes to events.

I am on a path to better myself. Unfortunately, that means separating myself from certain elements. I want passionate people that inspire me in my life. Things are unclear as to what the right answer is but I am keeping a positive outlook. Separating from those you love is almost as difficult as quitting cigarettes.

Healthier Choices and an Important Proposal!

I haven't smoked in 1 MONTH! 

I did it!!! One whole month. My last cigarette was at July 15 at 9:30pm.  I cheated once on the third day but that was 4 weeks ago and I don't count it. It was a stale old cigarette and I didn't smoke the whole thing. Andrew contributed to that cheat too. He knows what he did!

There have been a lot of benefits of quitting. I breathe easier, tastes are stronger, smells are stronger, I sleep less, I have more energy, my libido is stronger, I dream every night, but, unfortunately, I want to eat non-stop. Which is a problem because...

Cynthia and Chris are engaged! 

And I'm the maid of honor! I need to start losing weight. I want to look pretty in their wedding photos.

Chris asked her to marry him on a tiny heart island at Lake Lanier on July 26th. I had to keep it secret for four days. And prior to that, he told me a lie about his plan to propose which involved getting down on one knee on top of a Colorado mountain, but he thought I would leak it to her. Psht. What kind of person would do that!? It was apart of his plan. He wanted me to tell her so that it would throw her off because she's been questioning his every move. She's wicked observant.  When I kept my mouth shut, it ruined his plans, and he finally included me in his true plans. She mentioned two days prior to the proposal that she wanted an engagement party right after the engagement, so I had 24 hours to throw a party! 

All after a night of Andrew drinking after he promised he wouldn't drink, and on the fourth day of my quitting smoking. I was not a pleasant person. 

However, I NAILED it.

Lan (bridesmaid), me, Cyn, Chris and Bekah (the other party helper!). 

Chris added a cute saying to his fridge from the Bible.

Cyn and Chris entering the surprise engagement party!

Chris' younger sister help decorate.

Food table! =) Bekah decorated the flowers. Hannah helped set up the banner. 

Not sure who blew up the balloons, I was upstairs getting ready. It looks great!

 I felt like smoking the entire day, but I didn't! I think it was a great hit. Even though, I had to be by myself for the longest time. I hid in Chris' room. Bekah was incredibly helpful but incredibly competitive and annoying. Once everyone arrived an hour early, they helped the decorating process speed up. We invited all three sets of parents. The only ones missing was Cynthia's college roommate Stephanie, Andrew, and Holen. 

Fast forward to now. 

Cynthia bought her dress today! Who knew she is into the Disney princess look? 

She's like a fluffy cloud I wanna sit in! She's going to look gorgeous. I can't wait for the special day. They still need to find a venue and deal with the little stuff. They are leaving me in charge of decorating. I, also, have to throw a bridal shower and bachlorette party. Oh, all on no job. Yeah. Ermitage kept lying about making me full time. I love Peter, but he was easily taken advantage of. I'm afraid Vanessa convinced him that he didn't need me and that she could do it with a raise.

Anyways, I have to start eating healthier. So I can fit into a size 10 dress. That'd make me happy! The bridesmaids are going for this look: 

School starts in one week. All five classes are film classes. It's going to be a busy year. 

I've got to get shit in order. 

Happy Thought

'Come On Eileen' will always bring a smile to my face. Thank you Brian Topp.

Brian: I'm working Tim, Do you understand?
Tim: No, sorry. You've got me there.
Brian: Trying... to... avoid... cliches... by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
Tim: Wow. Right.
Brian: I'm using my penis.
Tim: Fiiinnalllllly.

Relaxing Day

Went to work and had a slow nice day.

Can you believe this beautiful sunset I'm enjoying on my way home?

Now it's time to enjoy my cook out burger, cheerwine, and Skyrim filled night. Looking forward to the day off tomorrow.

Memorial Day pictures coming soon! It was filled with friends and family. A bit much for me, as I tend to lean on the introvert side of the line but I loved seeing everyone.