Pleasantly suprised this morning by NPR's special guest on Fill in the Blank (the live shows on the weekend), Paula Poundstone! I recently started watching Home Movies again and I recognized her voice immediately. Bonus, CATOL FUCKING BURNETT. That reminds me, I've got to research more of her stuff.

Maybe Natalie Portman was right. Oh, I hope she was right. He wants help and that's something I've never heard him say. Crossing my fingers.

On a worse note, I've thrown my college career down the shitter. Now it's time to glove up and clean the bowl as best as I can.

Q & A

Here's an old post I never published. I started this blog pretty recently, and yet my answers have changed since I answered these. Oh, number 8. and 16. Should I take them as a sign?

Ugh, I really should be studying.

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1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Probably, Tina Fey. No, Steve Martin. NO! Bill Murray. No, go back to Tina Fey.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Yes. So everyone can recognize my secret awesomeness. Perhaps, a writer of some kind? I'm purty turrible at that so I'll choose director. Yeah. Cool ass Director Stallard.

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
If it's for work, yes. I tend to get tongue tied easily. Chocolate = cholocate. Have a nice day turns into Have a dice nay. I'm verbally dyslexic.

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Wake up around 10am to a warm cup of English Breakfast tea with milk and sugar and toast with jam and butter. Fuck around on the internet for an hour. Go to the city market with the dogs for a delish dinner I am going to prepare for some close friends that evening. Shop for a new toy, be it make up, jewelry, vhs', or books. Then head home for a short but fulfilling evening with friends and head to bed watching MST3K. Throw in something unexpectedly good. I like good surprises.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
Sometime last week. I tend to dry heave now when I sing loud like I used to. Stupid nausea.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
I would choose body. I mean, I'll grow in wisdom but I'll have a bangin' body? Hell yeah. Plus, if I lose my mental state in my golden years, some dumb douche will always take care of me. Have you heard some of the things some dumb girls say? They won't know the difference between stupidity and dementia.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Probably, cancer. I do not take care of my body as well as I should.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
1) Same type of humor.
2) Having an open mind for things beyond the material items of this world.
3) We stay with the right person for life.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
I'm grateful I have always had food and shelter.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Probably, different parents. If I had to stick with the same ones, then, I wish they were more open emotionally and never let me watch t.v.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
Be able to control time. Like Piper in Charmed or Hiro in Heroes.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Everything. As much as possible.

14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
For fear of failing. For fear of being average. For fear of exposing my stupidity.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
I don't think I have one. Going back to school? Meh.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?
Honesty.

17. What is your most treasured memory?
I have a few. I remember my Dad telling me stories about my grandfather and the pancake tree. I remember my friends singing Blink 182 while I was trying to insert my first tampon. I remember the first time I fell in love.

18. What is your most terrible memory?
I have more than a few. Dad. RHS. Phillip. Chris. The first year I met Andrew (after that it's been good).

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Of course! I would dump all my responsibilities and travel! Fuck all this bullshit!

20. What does friendship mean to you?
It means being a good listener, never be jealous, give good advice for the best outcome for the person you love, be honest about thoughts and feelings, and be there for when they need you.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
The same as any other normal human person I think...

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
Intelligent. Independent. Handsome. Considerate. Hard working.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
I'm sure it was better than most but emotionally, they didn't communicate with me. They sheltered me. They didn't treat me like an individual. They treated me like a pet that needed to behave.

One Last Cigarette

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brenna-marie/2014/10/what-it-feels-like-to-break-up-with-someone-you-still-love/

This woman put it perfectly. I'm still very much afraid to take the step. I keep hoping there will be a change. An exception.

I keep hoping that he will realize he has a substance abuse problem and he will never stray from me again because his love for me over powers his want of alcohol. It doesn't seem to because this isn't a movie. He pushes and pushes and pushes.

Oh, I am terrible at keeping positive, aren't I? But I will continue to try. Yoda doesn't know everything.

Happiness Challenge

Day 1

1. Cynthia's parents bought me a beautiful box chock-full of moon cakes. I learned my favorite flovers are red bean and lotus. She, also, taught me the story behind moon cakes and why they are only available once a year (kind of like Girl Scout cookies).

2. I cleaned the entire kitchen. Even the laundry room! It's not sp bad cleaning if I have a tv in the room. Psych ftw!

3. Tried a new dish tonight from Andrew's work, Alpine Balery. A delicious dish that had small bite size bread thingies that reminded me of the cheesy bread that is so popular in Colombia. They were placed into a brisket stew like bowl.  A good dish to start off the autumn. Especially, on stormy days like today.

Andrew - You had symphonic farts last night.
Me - Blame your sister, she fed us tacos.

I drank milk an hour ago. He's in for another musical night.

I can't wait for the day I have a career like job. And money. Money would be nice. Hearing a friend say "I bought two feet of ribs" and "a crock pot isn't expensive, it's just $20" enraged me. Especially, coming from a "best" friend who knows my financial issues. Insensitivity is killing me lately. I'm not sensitive. You're just insensitive. I'm not cruel or unforgiving but I am no longer lowering my standards because other people don't meet them.

I know things could be better.