Carry On and Take Photos

When it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Well, as good as things were looking at the beginning of August, it all fell to pieces by the end of the month. It's been a terrible month. Complications arised with going to GSU this semester. Turned out I need the most basic film class in order to attend the more advanced courses. My financial aid still had not come through and there was less than a week before the first day of the semester. So, the cheapest option was to take one more mini-semester class at GPC. I can return to the excitement of GSU in the spring.

And the move? That has been post-poned as well. I am a very lucky person to have Andrew take care of me while I was in summer school but it seems I jumped the gun on that. Unfortunately, financial issues took a tole on us. I should have stuck with my old serving job. The choice was between staying at our current location with the freedom of purchasing items we wanted comfortably (eating out, taking my time looking for a photography job, purchasing lenses for my Nikon, going to see doctors, etc.) or struggling for a month or two at the new house and finding whatever mediocre job was available to me first hand to pay the bills. We would have been fine after a month but we stuck with the more comfortable option.



Now that I won't be attending college classes until October, my objective is to find a photography job. Check. It's not the greatest gig in the world but my close friend recommended me to her company. Starting this week I will be a Photographer's Assistant. I have plenty experience doing that. It's boring and dull. My hopes are that I will be able to stick my foot in the door at this company and, soon, they will hire me as a Photographer. In the mean time, I will take free photo shoots of friends to build my portfolio. Thanks to my mentor, Liz, I have learned a great deal in cameras and shooting in a short time. Now, I need to teach myself Lightroom and Photoshop (again!).

Writing it down, it doesn't seem so terrible. I learned that I take bad news and just blow it out of proportion. I have been wallowing in self-pity. It's ridiculous. I know. But it shed a light on something I have not been honest with. I am depressed. It has returned and in full force. The good thing about having extra cash now that we're not moving, is that I can find myself a good psychologist. I don't tend to trust doctors but I know I need to go back on Prozac. As I've told dear friends, I won't be on it forever. I am drowning right now and Prozac is a life jacket that helps me keep my head above water to see where land is. Just something to pick me up. Because right now, I feel like I'm hardly keeping it together. It doesn't help that my roommates and family think my lazy behavior is "just me". I know it's not. I remember when I was happy.



I know what I need to do to get back to Happy Kate. It's just easier said than done. Here's to getting back to land.

Making Up and Looking Out

Turns out all I needed to do was spend some quality time with the recent roomies. Honesty and humor go a long way in relationships.

I think we sometimes made up stuff instead of talking to one another like adults. They didn't know how to talk to us. The few times we were up front with them they became rude and abrasive. We were afraid they would take confrontation very poorly again (start yelling again) so we became passive aggressive over time. Let me tell you something. Passive aggressive behavior is contagious. That shit is the worst when it comes to roommates. But, overall, we all have improved our communication skills with one another. As much as possible concerning our personalities.

I saw this on Pinterest (my fav inspirational site).

I think it would be a good thing to make a cake for the roommates on our last day here. I bitch about them a lot but I'm sure I haven't been a peach this past year either. We all have issues. It seems now that Andrew and I are leaving the house, a veil has been lifted that grants all of us to be candid with one another. It's nice. I wish we could have been like this earlier.


Apart from that, I need to get rid of all my old Goodwill and Craigslist furniture in the house right now. I've posted them online for sale. Now I wait. I, also, need to get ready for the yard sale in a week. Money will go towards new adult furniture. New shiny wooded tables and soft cushiony seating that will only be used by Andrew and I and our guests. The money I receive from selling all the crappy furniture should be enough to buy one really nice piece. Things I need to look for for the new home:

Mid-century style coffee table and sofa.

Furniture with patterns and legs.

Lots of plants. A kilim rug.

Even more plants.

Bright colors and framed art work.

Hopefully, I won't kill all of these plants. Again.

How am I going to afford this? Bah!

It's late. Need to sleep. I have long fun day tomorrow. EEE!! Can't wait.

Good News Everyone!

1.

I was accepted into Georgia State University!!! I start classes on Aug. 25!

I can't believe I got in. I fucked up my GPA so bad when I first went to college that all straight A's for the past year has only raised it .3 points. It's pretty bad. BUT... I made the Dean's List two times and I believe that had a hand in my acceptance. It's close to the first day and next week's objective is figuring out which classes I need to sign up for and how to pay for them. My only choice might be to...

sign a student loan. Le sigh.

 Hopefully, I am eligible for a Pell Grant. I'll talk to my new PERSONAL (!) student counselor come Monday. I am so excited to attend classes that actually have to do with my major. Yay for being a Junior! There are too many things I have to get my head wrapped around for school. One step at a time. Hopefully, this time next week, everything will be taken care of.


2.

We're moving!!! Andrew and I, also, found a three bedroom home in Doraville with a huge fenced in back yard for the two of us to move into on Sept. 1!

It's super cute, and by cute, I mean small. A lot smaller than our five bedroom three story home. But that's something I will gladly give up, along with the roommates.

 The roommate that chopped up my dining room chair with a Katana sword. The roommate that stunk up the living room with his no-wear-socks loafers. The minorly autistic roommate that has no social boundaries and the roommate that violently spit on him. The roommate(s) that would rather spend their paycheck on beer and weed rather than their rent and bills. The roommate that yelled at me because:

 (a) she interpreted signing a lease as an attack on her character and her past. She is bipolar. Her snapping on me wasn't the only time she lost her temper. She slammed doors and screamed a lot at her boyfriend. It was a constant stress on the household, not only me.
(b) he thought he could butt his ugly face into my relationship with Andrew. He was manipulating things we told him and gossip about us. His temper tantrum lasted days. He was so disliked that we had to have an intervention for him about his manipulating people and treating us like his puppets. We weren't "smart" enough to catch on to him.
and
 (c) he was dealing with having roommates for the first time in his life and his passive aggressive tendencies were exposed after a fight with his girlfriend. He yelled about the house being dirty with dog hair and the dishes. At this point, I washed dishes often. Other people's dishes. He yelled at me for not doing that. I stopped cleaning the house after that. That was probably a year ago. Yeah, a whole year.

Something I should have invested in. YEARs ago.

Dr. Cooper had the right idea.

GOOOOOODDD BYYEE BITCHES! From now on, I'll love coming home.


3.

AND...drum roll, please! I quit smoking!!!

These three events are huge to me. I have been smoking for a decade. Today is the eleventh day of no cigs. It was a rough ride starting out but I made it past the gruesome and appalling mood swings and cravings. The above illustration is not far from the truth. I had to apologize to close friends for snappy comments. And Andrew. Poor, poor, lovable Andrew, he had to deal with my evil alternate personality, "Zulu", the most out of everybody. Since several years ago, he jokes that when I wake up in the mornings (before drinking my coffee or tea) and/or when I haven't had my menthol American Spirit in a couple of hours, I turn into Zulu. Zulu is a cunt.

My constant struggle.

It's getting easier with each day but I still have strong cravings. Strong enough to cripple me, so I have to keep trying.

I have the opportunity to understand and mend my aggressive emotions I ignored while smoking. They came out in combative blows the first week. I'm learning to decipher these feelings into positive outcomes rather than angry frustrating hissy fits. It's getting better.


So far, this is the best month. I am excited. I am scared. I am proud of myself. Last years hard work paid off. Time to keep it going.

Good Night July!

I GOT A's! The finals, lab experiments, and lectures on how enzymes work are over! I aced that shit! I have never been a science person. I have never excelled in the sciences, so, when I say I received an A in my lab and lecture Cellular Biology courses, I want you to understand how ecstatic I am. It, also, helps that it will be my last science course EVER. SO. HAPPY.

I'm still waiting to hear back from GA State. I know I like the choice of film but I was curious as to what type of film classes I will be needing to take for my major and the choices seemed a little... rudimentary? That sounds a little harsh but 'Adapting Literature to Film'? Isn't that almost every film made? Or 'Gender Studies in TV and Film'? I just feel like you don't have to have college courses in these subjects in order to get it. I thought the study of film would be more on the technical side. Classes on making films not analyzing the story line. Who knows? Maybe it'll be amazing. Better than I thought it would be. I hope so. I will say I am excited to find out. I just keep playing with the idea of changing majors... AGAIN. I find loads of things interesting and can see myself doing an array of careers. This issue reminds me of Sylvia Plath.



I've seen a few of the figs wrinkle and go black but some are still available for the taking. The longer I wait to pick what I want... the more black wrinkled figs are at my feet. I need to be happy with the one I choose to eat. Maybe I could eat multiple.

Any who, this week has filled with relaxation. No work. No school. Nothing but watching tv, riding my pretty white bike, and cuddling with the pups. I help Andrew out every once in a while. It's just been nice. However, I do get stir crazy. I'm looking to buy the extra equipment my photographer mentor instructed me purchase. Maybe I'll get on and push the "Order" button so that I can move on and practice my craft.

Good things that happened in July:

1. First holiday off since I quit my job! I had lunch with Andrew's family. Afterwards, saw my old friends at a BBQ. Bivens gave me some good info on photography. Followed by a sparkling firework display  at the Sweet Apple Elementary with Andrew and my Mom. I love any event that invite food trucks. That and they gave us free water and yummy blue popsicles when we entered the seating area!
2. Liz taught me what all the fancy buttons did on my Nikon. Turns out I don't need to invest in a 50mm lens and those 'Beginner Photography' blogs don't offer that much quality info. 
3. Bought my bike. My beautiful white Giant. I've ridden her several times now. She and the Green Way make a soothing combo that brings a smile to my face. I love the freedom riding her brings me. 
4. Got 2 A's in Biology. I didn't think that would happen but I slammed Meiosis and Cellular Respiration facts so hard in my brain, I'm afraid I'll never get rid of it. Just kidding. It's been half a month and it's all gone. =D
5. Andrew bought me "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein. A very sweet gesture. I need to start reading it but I'm fearful that it may have the death of a dog be the outcome of the book. With my hormones outta whack, I don't think I'll finish this book with dry eyes. 
6. Caught up with lots of friends. Different functions. Old and new. It's nice to catch up. Whether it be an old co-worker at a kayak trip or my short but tough city gal, Hol, at the Ice Cream Festival in Piedmont Park. 
7. Ate dinner with my two favorite people, Andrew and Cyn, at a newly found Thai restaurant that might be the best place I've ever eaten. Nahm Thai. Mmmm...mmm... fresh Thai tea!
8. Cyn took me to Sweet Hut for the first time. They have delectable bread. Reminded me of Colombia bakeries even though it was Asian.
9. Visited Rock City, Ruby Falls, and the Chattanooga Aquarium with some close friends. 
10. Captured the affections of Lilly Grace. Haley's, Andrew's cousin, daughter. She said she liked me after we sang "Let It Go" from Frozen together. Little girls like Disney. Who knew? I made friends with a kid! Go me! 
11. Andrew knew I've been bummed out lately so he bought me tickets to go see 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. Oh, how I hope they combine that team with the Avengers. Eeee! My fan girl is peaking out I see.

Just thought I'd remind myself of good things. When I don't somewhere to be, being stuck at home can freshen up some depressing emotions so I have to make sure to be on my toes about leaving the house everyday. Even if it's to get a chai tea latte or to go ride my bike on the Green Way. 

Later bitches!

Limbic ADD

Last night, I had found information that might be detrimental to my mental health.

 In elementary school, I was rambunctious. Teachers and counselors tested me for ADD, of which they found I possessed. Nothing really came of it. My father had a degree in Psychology and felt like he knew everything about the field. ADD? What is that? It's made up, that's what it is! My daughter has no such thing!

I performed poorly in school in my teenage years and well into my young adult life. Never have I ever been able to concentrate on anything I found uninteresting. It's like pulling teeth. So, if it wasn't art related, I never had an interest in learning it. This didn't mean I didn't appreciate the subject. I just never wanted to indulge in it like one should when being a student. After all, they do have a set, boring, curriculum. This led to bad grades. Bad GPA's. No colleges. Bad future. Or, so, I was told.

 I knew I suffered from depression and sought out help when I was 23. It was one of the darkest times of my life. My depression always came to me in waves but at that time was when it became unbearable. My recovery came with a monthly appointment to my psychologist and a prescription to Prozac. This was first time I had ever received help for this illness in 8 years at this point. When I became healthier the year after that, I realized I didn't need a prescription. Eating healthy and exercising did to me what Prozac did. My depression depleted and I was happy Kate again. I was seeing friends, waking up at a reasonable hour, and keeping to my schedule. Hooray!

I felt like this for years. Years.

When I found help it turned into this over time: 

Over a long period of time, of course. But I got there. :) What's most important is I know how to get there again if my depression relapses.

This newly found body and mind made it okay to spoil old cravings. Sure, I can have a piece of cake. Just this once. Yeah, I think gulping down this milkshake will be okay, just this once. And so began the downward slope that has been the past two years. I wasn't terribly unhappy. I have been the most stable I have been in years. This was a great help from Andrew. But sometimes, on bad days, the blues come back. It is apparent that my eating habit attribute to my mental health.

Andrew and I have been having issues communicating since he quit drinking. Nothing huge. Little things here or there. He seemed easily distracted and found it difficult to pay attention to me while I was speaking. To anybody. He became aggravated easily. He would answer my questions but forget that he did so.

 K- "Can I take Leia outside in the backyard?"
A -  "Sure"
K - "Cool."

-Takes Leia outside. Comes back in the front door. -

A - "Where did you go?"
K - "I took Leia outside..."
A - "No! I didn't fix the hole in the fence!"

This is a perfect example. It's been happening a lot. He forgot his wallet at the gas station, the post office, and Starbucks in the time span of three days. Luckily, we live in a safe suburban area. Once, he realized it was missing, he would retrace his steps back and, thank god, retrieve it. His termination of alcohol has flared up his ADD. BAD.

I started doing research. I need to find the best way to help him and myself. He is now aware of my feelings and is trying his best to observe his behavior. After my week of Biology tests is through on Thursday, I will go full force into investigating how I can help deal with his disorder. However, in my research I found that Andrew had half of the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder. I had the other half. Oh, yeah... I was diagnosed with it as a kid.

-zoning out
-extremely distracted
-struggle completing tasks
-tendency to procrastinate (which reminds me- I should be studying)
-chronic lateness
-forgetting deadlines, appointments, and commitments
-underestimating the time

Hmmm. Yup. That's all me. But I'm not overly hyper. So what gives? I discuss this with Andrew. He doesn't know. But he remembers a website that shows PET scans of people's brains with ADD. Not what I was looking for but, sure, let's go with that. Dr. Amen's website. Yeah. Amen.

http://www.amenclinics.com/the-science/spect-gallery/attention-deficit-disorder-addadhd/

Well, look at that! There are different types of ADD. Different symptoms. And Limbic ADD is the winner for me. Depression and ADD. Together. I bet that's fun to deal with. No. It's not. I know you shouldn't self diagnose but I know myself. I know my body. I know what I've learned through out the years about depression and ADD. This one hits the nail on the head. It is so refreshing to understand all my problems are affiliated. Interconnected.

Symptoms of Limbic ADD:

• Inattentive
• Low energy
• Socially isolated
• Moodiness
• Excessive guilt
• Chronic low-grade sadness or negativity
• Sleeping issues
• Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness
• Decreased motivation
• Depression
• Irritability
• Impulsivity

Each and every. single. one. I have had. Not just once. All the time. These are issues I have been dealing with since I was a young teenager. Fifteen years I've been dealing with these issues and, after, all that time, I feel like I found the answer as to why. I want to hang out with my friends but, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to go out and socialize. If I happen to have the energy, good luck to me for trying to remember I made a date with them in the first place. Today is Tuesday? Crap! I'm sorry! I forgot I said  would hang! It's not that I don't love my friends. I, absolutely, 100% do. They are great people. Good friends. Interesting and lovely. I just plain forget. It happened this last weekend with J. I told her I was free on Friday. Nothing came of it. I bumped into her at a spontaneous Ikea spree and she punched my arm. 

"Ouch! What the...?"

"We were suppose to hang out yesterday! You never called!"

Same old tune. Or sometimes, I just won't wake up for the 3 o'clock lunch I arranged with them. Yeah. THREE O'CLOCK PM. I'm a night owl. I will lose track of time, scrolling websites or watching Netflix until I realize it's 5am. Set the alarm for noon. Never hear the alarm (I would turn them off with out remembering). Sleep ten hours and BAM. It's 3 pm. I'm late! This is a problem I've dealt with for over a decade. Sometimes I would try to stay awake 24 hours to go to sleep early the next night. By the time it hit 10pm, my second wind came and I'm up til 4am again. Sometimes I would force myself to read a book or turn off the lights to go to sleep. Then, I would sleep for twelve hours and it's already late morning. Or let's say I did go to bed early at 10 pm and woke up early at 7 am with the alarm- that I was lucky to hear. I get sleepy around 2pm. Take a nap. And BOOM. Nap turns into three hours and I'm up til the wee hours of the morning. Point is: I get sleepier than most others. I sleep more. I need sleep more. I hate it. This is all if I was mentally healthy too. Imagine how bad it would get if I didn't care. If I didn't want to care.

After missing appointments and meetings my friends and co-workers are disappointed and I get an overwhelming sense of guilt for letting them down. I want to be there for the ones I love. Sometimes, I mess up. I never mean to do it on purpose.

These are just a few of the issues. You say to yourself, "Kate, what did you do when you had early morning jobs?" Well, I was late. I was late a lot. I was lucky that they never fired me for it. They should have fired me but they didn't. I guess I was a decent worker. When I was there. Serving jobs were always the best schedules for me. Get there in the early evenings. Get off around 1 am. Sweet sched. Terrible work. Nothing will make you hate people faster than being a server. If you're a server and you don't hate people. Kudos. You are amongst the few. It's good money but I didn't think it was worth it. The back aches and the attitudes of the customer- a lot of them are SO RUDE. Honestly, servers get treated with such disrespect. Not always but a lot of the time. Foreigners were the worst. Do I hate foreigners? No. Only when serving them their damn meals and having to depend on their slashed tips to live. Serving makes you hate people. Not serving makes me like them again. But I do love going to restaurants now, spotting the asshole customer, and being a total dick to them. On behalf of all the servers everywhere! Sure, that customer did nothing to me. But they were being a dick to that server over there, and I shall take revenge for them, for the server can not. Because they need that douche bag to tip well, otherwise they wasted biting their tongue for nothing. But I don't need to be nice. I can talk shit to them. I can glare at them menacingly. I can bother them as much as they bother the server. Hehe.  Oh, crap. See? Distraction. At this point, I would normally erase this paragraph and keep on track but I think it points out my issue well.

The end result is that I found the source of my problems. Limbic ADD causes too much activity in the limbic part of the brain and decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex. I emailed Dr. Amen for an appointment and will call their center, here in Atlanta, first thing in the afternoon. ;)  In the mean while, I will follow the suggested diet for Limbic ADD sufferers: exercise, fish oil, and whole wheat. I'll take the supplements: SAMe, tryptophan, DL-phenylalanine, L-tryosine, and wellbutrin. Andrew will stick to 5 HTP, saffron, inositol, and tryptophan for treating his Over-focused ADD. He, also, needs to avoid high protein diets. We are getting on top of our shit here at the Stallard-Carter household. 

Here's to eating bananas, swallowing pills, and riding bikes! 

For the depressed and food servers. I send my love.

A dash of nerd and a teaspoon of geek

Yesterday was odd.

The first half of the day was filled with cramps, my comfy bed, and Supernatural and Bob's Burgers. I think I may want to dress up as Louise for Dragon Con. I would normally say Halloween too but this Halloween will be an eventful one as Bivens and Sarah are getting married the next day (!). I'll have to make my halloween costume this year be extra sweet. I, normally, go overboard with dressing up but I know this year will be even crazier. Like, start planning for it now, staying up til 3am sewing, professional make up and effects, kind of crazy. Anyways, I roamed the internet for remedies and blogs while trying to bare through the pain that is being a women. Came across...

 http://evencleveland.blogspot.com/

Everything this lady posts is beautiful art, fashionable clothes, and interesting facts. I love LOVE her site. I spent the majority of the morning flowing through her pages of posts of Cordiforms books



and antique excerpts of well-known stories, like 'Alice in Wonderland'.

Dormouse, "Oh, yeah, let me just lick that stain off your shirt. Oh, no, yeah, just a little more and it'll come out."

Check it out. Each and every post is educational and cool. Super cool. Because knowledge is power!

The rest of the day was spent with good friends and good conversations. More about that later. The conversation ties in with events from this weekend and it has to do with spirituality and religion and I don't want to get into it tonight. There's too much I want to write about but it's late and I have a long day of errands, camera learning, and studying tomorrow so I will just mention my night tonight. I don't know if blogging is helping my ADD or magnifying it. I keep wanting to blog about a multitude of different topics. I know I can't. It'll take up 80 paragraphs!

Andrew and I saw Rifftrax Live! They have special showings in theaters all over the country but they all stream from the live show done in Minneapolis. They riffed SciFi's Sharknado. Rifftrax is brought to you by the (funniest) guys who did MST3K. Andrew and I later commented to each other that we laughed so much our faces hurt. Real pain from loads of laughter.

A beautiful concoction of scifi, terrible movie making, freak hurricanes, the deadliest sea creatures, and Tara Reid.

These are the men of comedy. You have seen their faces. Now rejoice.

I have been wanting to see them live for years. So happy I, finally, did. I miss nerding out like I used to before I dated Andrew. It's not that I changed for him. It's just that prior to him, the men I dated were boys. They liked watching animes, playing WoW, and would obsess over comic book characters, much like the main characters in 'Mall Rats'. You won't believe me, but I had the Louise Lane carrying Superman's alien super strength baby in her uterus convo before I saw 'Mall Rats'. Thanks to the ex's. Now that I have Andrew, I feel like I grew up. I still love my old nerdy stuff but it's not the same. I now have my future career to sculpt rather than Batman action figures. However, it is nice to indulge in my old dorky pastimes every once in a while. It's even better when someone you love, who never participates in playing video games or cosplay, has a genuine interest in one of those past times. Andrew loves Rifftrax, almost, as much as I do. Now, if only, I could get into SEO programs or business building for him. Most likely not. Ew.

Good night!

Cookies and cigarettes

So, because I have a new camera I am trying to get intimate with, my boyfriend or friends will ask to play with it (which I don't mind) but it's inevitable that someone will snap a picture of me. It is evident that I haven't seen a picture taken of me within the past six months. I knew I gained weight over the past two years but I had no idea how much until I looked over the pictures of this past weekend. I stared at a photo Andrew took of me in awe. No way. I know I'm chubby but I'm not double-chinned-fat-roles-coming-over-the-side-of-my-watch fat. I look like a latina Paula Dean. Jabba the Hut in female human form.  I. Am. Distraught. Where did that tiny sexy well-fit girl go? I've drowned her in coffee cocoa fudge ice cream, presumably.

Let's not have this happen, okay?

Andrew has been working out, eating well, quit drinking, and quit smoking. I can tell a difference with his body and it's only been a week or two. Me? I can't stop thinking of the beautiful relationship I've created with my cookies in the past year. I can give up all the other sweets but it, genuinely, bums me out to think I have to limit cookies out of my life. I know, I know, it's a fat kids post. A first world problem. It doesn't help that my profile picture is my utter exhilaration at digging my spoon into the 5 lb fried ice cream.

This is where the inspiration of my blog name came in. I need to annihilate the ruling creature inside of me that wants three chocolate dipped elephant ears every time I walk into Publix. It's time to do better for myself. I want this blog to be a reflection of my good progress. I think it's important for humans to continuously want to better themselves. Once you stop, you stop caring and it's a downward slope of negative aspects entering your life. I've dealt with it first hand. So I want to annihilate the elephant ear earl. No, I'm not a noble Englishman from the 17th century but I thought it sounded nice with the rest of it and it represented an in-charge figure in me that I would like to rebel from. Let's put the health freak at the wheel for a change please.

For those who don't know what elephant ears are, they look like this:

Imagine three of these but with more chocolate. Like, WAY more chocolate. Every week. Upon more cookies and ice cream. Yeah. 

I know that once presented with the facts of what I must do, in order to improve my health, I resist it all. It's similar to quitting smoking. Once, I know I can't have something, that's ALL I want! Logically, I know it's terrible for my health. I could be diagnosed with a variety of cancers. Unfortunately, it's all I can think about when I know I can't have it. You're going to deny me the satisfaction of biting into a chewy gooey chocolate chip cookie?! Of sucking in that harmonious smooth soothing puff of nicotine? HOW DARE YOU, SIR! I'LL TAKE ALL THE COOKIES AND CIGARETTES YOU HAVE!

My food frienemy, the cigarette russes. Cookies shaped like cigarettes. *DROOL*

So I must put a stop to it, in order to lose weight. It's ultimately that I "shouldn't" have these things rather than "can't" have these things. Good bye sweets! Hasta luego Starbucks caramel frappucinos! So long dark chocolate Lacey cookies! C'est la vie tiramisu! Good bye! I will reconcile with you soon! For now, I must get fit. I must shake my'thang. No sweets for a month. Let's see how this goes.

I think it comes down to self-control. Of which, I have none. It's all with in moderation (for the sweets- not the cancer sticks). I know. I need to watch what I eat a little more. I need to start working on exercising more. I have biked three times this week, and every time has turned me into a rage monster. I get this overwhelming urge to "SMASH". I don't know why. I think it's perhaps I get so frustrated with my body. It used to be able to do 50 push ups and 75 sit ups with out taking a break. I used to be able to run for ten minutes with out running out of breath. Now, I can barely walk up my driveway with out completely huffing and puffing and needing to sit down to catch my breath. It's gotten sad. But I want to exercise more. That is the start of something good. I love the ride but hate that my bum feels bruised. It's like balancing a balloon on a the top of a water bottle. It isn't the most comfortable feeling.  I love the fact that I can go as fast as a dragonfly soaring next to me but I hate that my thighs ache as if liquid fire were being poured in and between the muscle fibers. I don't remember working out being so strenuous. I do remember it getting easier and easier. I do remember WANTING to go every day. I do remember the feeling of achievement when I need to buy new pants because the old ones were falling off my bum. I know I can get there again. I once was tough. I felt like I could protect myself and I felt good practicing it. Maybe I should get into martial arts again...

Unfortunately, I won't be doing it today. For today I have Biology class. Lecture and lab. The last science course I will ever take in my life time. I hope. Tonight's lecture is included in the four classes I have left of the summer semester. I hate every second of it. Maybe I would have loved it more but because college is based on test results and not genuine interest in the subject, I hate it. It also takes up six consecutive hours of my Tuesdays and Thursdays. My professor's tests stress me out. This is a science class for non-science majors but she wants us to love it as much as she does. It shows through her tests. They are very detailed and very intricate. Then again, maybe she is giving us GA Tech tests as she teaches there, as well. Who knows. Who cares. I just want a B or higher. Need to keep that GPA rising!

Nothing has been more accurate.

Maybe, one day soon, I will learn not to write so much. It's like when you first introduce yourself to a new date. All this information about your lives comes out of your mouth on the first date. You think you have loads to talk about! You hit it off! Then, you realize on the second date it was the two of you just sharing your lives up the that point. Now, you both have nothing to talk about but the weather. I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel the need to explain every detail because this represents me. Unfortunately, it takes forever and most people will lose interest. I'm the same way. "Wow, this article looks long. I'll just read the picture captions."


 Fair thee well!

Hello All! General Me-ness Stuff

First blog post ever! No, it's not about being single or being married. Nope! Not about having to deal with a physical or mental illness. Not gonna teach you crap about nothin' neither. It's an accumulation of things, that is me. I like lists, so let's do a list of possible topics for this blog.

1. School - More specifically, film school. So long GPC! Hello, GA State (crossing my fingers)!
2. Mr. Green Eyes- Andrewkins is my live-in boyfriend. He's super supportive, super anti-social, and is one of my best friends.
3. Hobbies - I want to do all sorts of stuff but my laziness overcomes me. Possible candidates include: Photography, painting, drawing, sewing, and cooking.
4. Emotional Expression - I suffer from chronic depression and tend to look at the negative side of life. I, also, have done things I regret, which I will get into later. This may be a good outlet or it may be good for positive inspiration. Let's see, shall we?
5. Halloween - I love fantasy worlds and dressing up in extravagant outfits to escape into that world. I love the creepy and mysterious. I love candy. It all makes for an amazing holiday.
6. Trails and tribulations of Obtaining a Healthy Body- I would love to quit smoking. I've tried twice. I used to be 190 lbs five years ago. Then, I dropped to 130 lbs when I attended Krav Maga classes. Moved in with Mr. Green Eyes and now I'm up to a size 12 again. Don't know my weight but I'm guessing from the double chin and bubble belly, it ain't 130 lbs. any more. I shall quit smoking! I shall lose weight! I shall be healthy once again! Huzzah!
7. Travel - I had a hectic schedule between working at Buca di Beppo this past year and attending school that I never had a single day off (unless it snowed-and it snowed a lot!). Since Andrew has been able to find a job with good pay, he's been able to support me. It's been a freaking blessing. I've had time to, finally, hang out with friends and travel around more. I've been to Orlando, St. Augustine, and Panama City thus far. I didn't count the weekend trips to the mountains up north. I promised myself I would do more of this, and more of this I will do.
8. Stuff I like - Movies I like. Music I like. Books I like. Articles I like. Clothes I like. People I like.

In general, I want to record my life.  I have been playing with the idea of starting a blog for a while now but I hate the idea of putting something permanent out into the world. I have never been pleased with the final result of my projects in the past. I'm afraid of making a mistake. This may be why it's taken over a decade to decide on a tattoo too (although I know I would pick David Hale in Athens as the artist). I am INDECISIVE. Especially, about long-lasting outcomes. Hopefully, this site will help with that. I will become smarter, stronger, faster... I CAN BE REBUILT.

I think this site will help ground my ideas to one source. I'll be able to look at my progress with crafts and hobbies. Talk about my issues. Point out my flaws. Start all over again and attempt at mastering them once and for all. I can't wait to see my progress with my writings too. My ADD kicks in at the most inopportune times and it glows like a landing beacon through my writing and room. I am horrible at telling stories. I'm like a bouncy ball jumping all over the place. Overall? It's a freaking mess. Let's see if I can't tidy some of it.

One of my new found loves is photography. I say new but it's similar to having a crush on a boy all through grade school and, finally, talking to him in high school. I have been wanting a nice digital camera for a long while now. My late uncle had his own studio, he got me my longest lasting job at Owens Studio, and photography was a topic of conversation that always popped up during family time. I want to be a photographer. I want to study it and be great at it. I want to be good enough that I can do this to support myself and Andrew while I finish school. I love all the photographers I've met and I am no longer scared of the precautions of not making it. It's do or die, damn it. I choose DO IT.

Yesterday, I played with my new DSLR Nikon D7100 camera for the third time since I've bought it. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. It doesn't matter how much studying I do, how many photography blogs I read, or how much I memorize the instruction manual, I'll never learn it by not physically doing it. I did get a little annoyed at thinking I captured a great shot, only to find out it was underexposed because I didn't fiddle with the shutter speed or aperture correctly. I know I'll get there. I just have to keep trying. And if I must say so myself, I did shoot a couple of nice pictures for an ultra-beginner. I'll have to post them later. Like I've mentioned before, my rooms a mess. I may end up breaking an ankle trying to get to the camera bag (I'm, also, a klutz- hooray me!).

Well, I can't imagine anybody reading this but if you're there, I bid you adieu until tomorrow!