Let's Explore Zen

The semester has finished and all the grades are good. Now I can look forward to registering for classes that actually attribute to knowledge of my degree. Blegh, this semester was irritating. Then again, I've been having issues with that.

I need to learn how to be less angry and more patient and happy. Andrew is amazing at keeping cool under pressure. The first sign of my plans going array and I start cringing at the irritation of my not-so-smooth plans. I let my nerves take a hold of me in eruptions of bitter outbursts. Uncool. Perhaps I will take up meditating? Yoga? Well see. But controlling my temper and reducing my stress is something I will need to work on. I don't want to be the angry friend. Nor the angry daughter.

I have to start looking for a summer job. Thinking about serving again makes me want to cry. I don't think it's going to help with the temper issue. Ha.

Btw, what is it when Donna hits on Captain Jack but he doesn't return the gesture? Wtf. He hits on rocks but not scrumptious hilarious Donna? Psht. Bullshit.

Whiplash

I was cleaning Saturday before Phillip came over so that we may go job hunting together. I slipped on the black 'yoga mat' that Andrew left in the middle of the hall way and did my best impression of a cartoon character slipping on a banana.

Kinda exactly like this:

I couldn't move my neck very well and had a tough time doing pretty much anything including driving, brushing my hair, scratching my head, or standing. Yeah, standing pretty much made everything hurt. So did sleeping. I made a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and found out I made things worse by inflaming the muscles and broken blood vessels by applying a heating pad on it while sleeping for three nights. I'm a smart cookie. I had to miss class and work because of it. Luckily, today it's feel a TON better. I don't need assistance trying to get out of bed or put on a shirt! Huzzah!

I know that I need to my busiest right now but it's been a blessing in disguise. I was able to relax (sort of) with out feeling like a lazy fat bum. I think I needed to rest due to all the stress that has accumulated over the past month. 

I met up with Bivens this past Saturday for brunch and I forgot how effective having a positive person in my life can improve my mentality. He was 100% right on almost every subject. I knew it all but having an old friend repeat it back to you pounded it in. I need more positive thoughts. I need positive people. It's going to be a tough but it will be worth it in the long haul. 

We are having to start over. Start from the beginning. Broke and in search of what we want out of life. More so for Andrew than for me. I want to stay away from those that helped lead us to the destruction path. This will include some decent people. I want to move on to those who help us out of this hole. Help us become our best. Want us to be our best. We are going to have to be very aware of  how others truly affect us. They might not do drugs but they may like where we were. Some will like to feel superior over us. And some of those that have a more open mind to certain lifestyles might be a good influence that want us to succeed. We're deciphering it like an ancient code. We are trying not to be wrong. We need to learn to let it go. Keep going. Hike on. Keep the positive vibes close. Make new friends. Create a better life for ourselves. I have to keep repeating it to myself in order for it to seep in through the cracks. I grew up in a very negative space. It takes some work to be the opposite. I think it's worked. The more I repeat the positive events rather than the negatives, more positive things happen. It truly works. This jolt will lead to a better outcomes. 

Lost

Writing essays. Studying for tests. Meeting people to sell them stuff off Craigslist. Andrew's grandmother is in the hospital. Selling the Mercedes. Driving to school. Getting the right papers signed and notarized. Getting groceries. Going to court. Twitching eye. Doing taxes. Missing the internship deadline. Meeting with the lawyer. Driving Andrew to work. Searching for jobs. Sweeping. Doing dishes. Preparing for presentations. Cleaning stuff to sell. Figuring out what more to sell. Hanging up clothes. Feeding the pups. Dealing with ex-roommates and their immature attitudes while they move out. Eating crappy food. Having to worry about not making rent. Walking the dogs. Missing friends and outings. Thinking of places to live. Missing work because of errands. Meeting annoying people. Selling as much as possible for a new beginning.

 I'm exhausted.

I've been spun about. Trying to keep my chin up and think positively. It has been a chore. We're in the forest and every pathway found has an obstacle in front of it. A lot of them. A creek to jump over, an animal to fight off, or a fallen tree to climb over. Too many trees to dodge around. I, so desperately, want to get out of the woods. However, like the last rule says, "Don't quit."

I'm trying to ignore the tendency to hate. I'm trying to find the silver lining. I don't want that old familiar drabby friend to return but I can feel it visiting me. I'm trying to deal with those who are taking out their issues on me with positivity and love. I've managed to do it but apart of me wishes I could be stronger and tell them to go to hell. Is that the stronger thing to do? I can't tell what's right anymore. Probably, the caring path. Yet, they don't deserve it. Maybe I'm having an issue with that because I believe in karma. I feel Andrew and I didn't deserve what happened to him, which is affecting me. Apart of me sees it as a new path, the other part of me sees it as an unfair backlash to what was being done. We'll see. I just need to keep the light in while I find my way out of the forest. I just need something to look forward to. Right now, it's hard to see with all the shade. But, times like these is when it's best to...

Hike on.

New Life

This past week has been one of my most stressful. I carried an active mind, an exhausted body, and rejuvenated soul into this new stage of my life.

A really terrible thing happened but it is leading to new and better things. An improved life that's new motto is "By Grabthar's Hammer by the Suns"... sorry, wrong Galaxy Quest quote. I think I mean, "Never Give Up, Never Surrender".

I never had a chance to post my wonderful birthday pictures. It was a great day. I'm trying to refrain from linking a good thing happening to me to a bad thing always following. I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts out but it can be hard. I'm trying not to think vengeful thoughts. I'm trying not to take things personally. I'm trying to do my best and eradicate unfavorable and weak ideas and concepts. You find out what your family and friends think of you in times like this. Turns out, as mad as my family is, they will always be there. That goes for some friends too. I think, for the most part, Andrew and I have chosen well. You truly truly find out who's REALLY there for you. Andrew and I have a better idea of this now. We will move on from those that judged us, mummered hypocritical comments, and we're an all around dreadful presence in our life.

I, also, don't care what any one thinks of Andrew. He's the best and I don't think he did anything wrong. He is going to turn around from this. We both are. And I can't wait. This is the beginning of a hard and long year. No more time or money to spend on fun festivals, shows, and bullshit every one posts on FB. However, I think in a year or two, we'll be better off than we we're before. I still plan on writing that script. He plans on retuning to school. We just have to remember it's for the best and things will turn out alright as long as we keep kicking ass and never give up. KEEP THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS! BAH!

My Funeral

I came across this page: http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/one-day-green-cemeteries-will-use-corpses-help-trees-grow

It's an idea I fell in love with since Chris' death. I know he would've loved it too. Why should my body be cremated or buried with no benefits to the Earth? Be apart of the circle of life! I want to be buried in this futuristic burial pod that will include a seed of a tree on top that will grow and, eventually, envelop my death pod. Somehow, it reminds me of The Fountain. If you've seen it, then you know which scene I'm speaking of. Which is even more trippy because it involves death. Or life, I suppose it depends on which way you analyze it. I think I would like a Wisteria or a Jacarandas or maybe a Sequoia. Then again, if I'm buried down here in the south, a good ol' fashioned Oak tree might be best. I am excessive, so how about all of the above?

Besides the burial pod, I would love if everyone wore bright colors. No black. I do love the Indian tradition of everyone wearing white. Yeah, that's what I'd like. If you know me, then you know I love to decorate and make things as pretty and festive as financially possible. I would love a ton of colorful balloons and flowers. Streamers! Lots of food from all over the world. 

Yeah, something like this. With a twelve foot high picture of me flipping everyone off as I laugh.

Please, loved ones, do that for my funeral. I kid about the picture but the rest is close to the truth. Celebrate and be merry. Share stories. Share love. Most importantly, be funny about it.

;)

Balls. Sweet!

I'm afraid my job isn't as permanent as I had hoped. I think my boss is too nice. I was suppose to replace another co-worker who has been taking advantage of my boss' kindness and tolerance. Unfortunately, the reason she's imposing a terrible work ethic is the reason she still works there. HE'S TOO DAMN NICE. So, he won't fire her or cut her hours which gives me no work to do which cuts my hours. I don't want to take someone's job but it was the original reason I went to work for them. Eh, well. Things will work out. 

Recently, I've been so proud of Steph. She fucked up during her move but she's trying and she's being honest and that's something different. I applaud her. She's still immature and somewhat childish but I'm sure if I met myself at 21, I'd think the same thing. Love the lil turd. 

I told the family that we should have a weekly dinner. I feel that we need to try something new to make us closer. It helps Steph execute a weekly task that will be unaltered. Sometimes, when your whole life is chaos and disarray, a simple exercise in stability can keep her anchored. We'll see. I hope so. It was short but fun. 

She's so damn pretty. Love her. I decided to sacrifice my time and cook for the family. Mostly because I think I'm the best cook in the family. Yeah, I'll toot my own horn. Andrew's pretty good too but I don't count him since we aren't technically family. I made freshly mashed potatoes with chicken in creamy Parmesan and sundried tomatoes, and balsamic roasted baby carrots. BOOYA!

Oh, la la!

On top of that, my parents gave my birthday gift early.

AAAHHHH!!! It was such a surprise! I've been wanting a sewing machine for years. Now, I can start learning how to make costumes! SO EXCITED. First on the list: a Louise costume.

Oh! And I get to babysit this little cutie once a month.

Mandy dropped by the other day with this little munchkin. She started a new job but is having trouble scheduling a babysitter and rides. Rozzy is the sweetest child I've ever met. No, the list of children I know is not long but she's still the best child on Earth. She's sweet, obedient, and not a brat. What more could you ask for in a child? I look forward to having her for a small bit. 

First Week of Work and Snow

Things are going great. I started my new job. It's the best job I've ever had. I don't have to deal with costumers and I work alone in a comfortable setting. AND I get weekends! This might be the first job I've ever worked that I get to have weekends!

This is my boss' scary balcony. There is nothing holding this patio up besides the strong American steel slab attached into the building. It freaks me out to stand on this thing. 

I'm not used to it. I've wasted making the most of my first weekend off. I've just been roaming the internet aimlessly. What's the best lipstick of the year? What are some good hikes to try out? What's this? George Takei shared a webpage full of vintage posters against women voting?

Yeah. Gross. Here's my all time favorite:

Hey, I'd rather kick him in the balls than hear him talk but we can't always get what we want. It's appalling that these were actual propaganda posters in the 1890s and early 1900s.

Ew. I can hear my roommate, Stephen, blowing bubbles into his girlfriend's, Mandhi, stomach. He spoke to Andrew the other night about how he wanted to break up with her because she was a child. Yet, he continues to do lovey dovey activities with her. I can understand. It's difficult breaking up with someone you love. But hey, it's better than living with a bi-polar chick who flips out at a moments notice over nothing. I mean, any social etiquette or decorum is thrown out the window when she's pissed, and she gets pissed over everything.

Anyways. It snowed Wednesday!

Our backyard. Seems so majestic.

Yeah, we live across the street from a secret cemetery. I think we're screwed if there's a Zombie Apocalypse. 

I stopped by the grocery on my way home from work to grab Rick's Colombian Soup ingredients and it was packed.

When the south gets Connecticut's cold Devils dandruff, all the lanes are open and long. When does that ever happen?

The soup was a success and I've been eating it everyday since. It's my favorite. It reminds me of Richard and Colombia simultaneously. I miss them both, tremendously. Sometimes the ache in my heart to see Rick is overwhelming.

Oh! Andrew got his Oculus Rift too! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnkMhewx-Zo

It's not what I expected. I think we need to upgrade our video and graphics card because every time I've played with that thing, the games are ill quality and it makes me feel like I have vertigo. No joke. That thing will make you really feel like you're flying a futuristic spacecraft through the air even with the shitty graphics. So, keep a bucket by your side in case you feel like hurling. Hopefully, when we alternate the Oculus to the better computer, it will perform better. I'm just glad he likes it because I hate it. 

AND, it's my birthday this week! I have no plans as of yet but, hopefully, I'll think of something.